Reflections

Waiting for my Irish teabag to steep, watching the Braves play the second game of a double-header in Pittsburgh and thinking back on the last few days:

My trip to Virginia was mostly uneventful. I enjoyed the 10 hour drive. The scenery in Virginia, especially driving through the Shanandoah Valley, is breathtaking. It is one of the prettiest places in my travels and the road trip brought peaceful meditation time.

I wasn't sure how I would find my mom. I knew that she was in a nursing home and I knew that she probably wouldn't know who I was, but I don't think I was prepared for the reality of it all. Seeing her disheveled and babbling nonsensical words and barely opening her eyes to focus on anything, hearing the fear in her as she said "please don't hurt me, I'm scared", changing her diaper and feeding her with a spoon; it all seemed somewhat surreal to me. I remember thinking to myself how life can really take a total reversal on us. Here was the woman who had fed, bathed, and calmed me; and now I was doing the same for her. It didn't seem fair but I knew it was the right thing for me to do. In a way, it brought a sense of closure to the inevitable.

I don't mean to sound somber; there were some humorous moments as well. At times, she would say something so off the wall, you just had to laugh. It just didn't make any sense at all and laughing was just the normal response. And then she would look in your direction and say, "I don't think it's funny", in a somewhat gruff voice; which, for some reason, elicited more laughter. I don't know how long my mother will survive the effects of Alzheimer's but I know she is slowly becoming someone else.

For now, I am grateful for the facility she is in; she is receiving good care and is comfortable and can still eat. One day at a time is the only way to survive.

Seeing the other residents, some mentally worse than my mom; the lady next to her grabbing her baby doll and talking to it as if it were real. And then laying it beside her and patting it. Others crying out, others quiet, all slowly drifting away on their own timetable.

I remember a sermon my husband preached once on all of us having a date with eternity. We're all in the waiting room, some are getting called into the office before us, but we all have our appointments to keep.

The bright spot of my trip was getting to see one of my dear friends from college, Lorraine. Lorraine and I sang in a girl's quartet in Bible college. She sang first alto and I sang second alto. The name of our group was Annointed Fire and it came from a passage out of Hebrews. I must admit, we sounded pretty good, our harmony was tight and God was always faithful to minister through us. Our arranger and pianist was the music director at our college, Bro. Chip Reardon. He was amazing. His arrangements were incredible and he could take a well-known song and totally rework it just for us. Some of his songs are still the best I have ever heard. I guess the most amazing thing about Bro. Reardon is that he was totally blind. He could play a piano like nobody's business and his musical expertise was par excellence. He challenged us to do something beyond ourselves but always with the assurance that the Lord was the ultimate giver of song and creativity.

Lorraine and I were pretty close friends, even outside of the group. There were four of us that hung out together all the time; me, Lorraine, my roommate-Denise and another friend, Yvonne. Our senior year was the most enjoyable year and our friendships were knitted. I actually found Lorraine on Facebook recently, or really, she found me. The last time I knew about her, she was living in California, but now she and her family live in northern Virginia. We met for lunch and spent the afternoon reminiscing, sharing stories of our lives since and just reflecting on God's goodness. I am so very thankful for the reconnection and I know we will continue to be close.

Yesterday, on Mother's Day, I hugged my mom and told her I loved her. I didn't tell her goodbye because I didn't want to scare her or confuse her. As I walked away, to drive back home, I wondered if I would ever see her alive again. For a moment, as tears welled in my eyes, I was sad. But then I remembered that leaving this world would be a blessing for her and that one day we would be reunited in heaven. Another fact to be grateful for; my mom does know Jesus. That is probably the biggest blessing of all to me. I know that one day, I will see her again. And she will be whole and in her right mind.

I give thanks to the Lord for keeping me safe on my travels up and back and for giving me the grace to see my mom and minister to her. I thank the Lord for good friends and cherished memories and most of all I thank Him for His gift of eternal life; for without it, we would all be lost.