Children's Bible in a Nutshell

This was forwarded to me, I couldn't resist sharing it:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with Manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie,cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament, came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say,"Yes.")During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up forJesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

You Never Let Go

Friday Fact - The Doldrums

Did you know.....

that the term "the doldrums", referring to a 'blah' feeling we sometimes feel, is actually a term taken from wind patterns?

Sailing ships have identified certain areas of the world by their unique wind patterns – for example the Doldrums. The Doldrums are an area of low pressure occurring where the trade winds meet along the equator. Winds here are usually calm or very light and so ships would avoid the area because they would only be pushed along very slowly.

So, I guess we need to avoid the doldrums, too. Cuz you won't get anywhere when you're in the doldrums.

Who Wants To Be A Billionaire?

Lately I have been going through a tough time. It's been an emotional roller-coaster for me. I hate being in that place because it makes me realize just how weak I really am.

Some of the stresses that I was facing were real, but the way I processed them and the way I viewed how the stresses could affect me or my family were not real and were not handled in a Biblical or a healthy way. I really allowed the enemy to speak negative thoughts to me and I believed those thoughts. In a nutshell, it's called fear.

Thankfully, I am now on the other side of that battle and I can see clearly how the devil was trying to get me to camp on negative emotions and deny the truth that was always there.

I've been reading a devotional I bought myself for the new year called "Sparkling Gems from the Greek". I have enjoyed it immensely and one particular devotion really struck a chord with me.

Colossians 3:16 - "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly..."
"Richly" there is incredible abundance, enormous affluence, extravagance, lavishness, really any adjective you would use to describe being extremely rich and wealthy. The interesting part of the verse to me, though, is the "let" part. We have to allow the Word to dwell in us. The word "let" there means to throw open the doors, embrace it, give it a warm reception, make it feel at home in our lives.
That involves my will. That's the stubborn part of me that doesn't want to admit I need help or thinks I can handle it on my own.
The idea here is that the Word of God will produce abundant fruit in me and through me if I will just allow it to take up residency and become a vital part of my life.

I really am a billionaire! I have all of the riches that I need to become who God wants me to become. I just have to allow the Word to do it's powerful and effective work.

I want more wisdom, I want to see God operate in my life so I can minister to hurting people. I want to see the gifts in operation in me, my family, and also in my church. It starts with me and my willingness to let the Word dwell in me, live in me and have full reign in all the corners of my heart.

Friday Fact - Common Brand Names

Have you ever thought about all of the common household names we have for things that were once actually brand names (trademarked)?

Here is a very partial list of some of the more common ones. Maybe you can think of some I haven't included:

Kleenex - tissue
Saran Wrap - plastic wrap
Xerox (also used as a verb)- copier, paper and to copy
Post-it - the little notes
Wite-Out - mistake eraser
CrockPot - cooking vessel
Jacuzzi - whirlpool tub
Band-Aid - adhesive bandage
Zip-Loc - plastic storage bag
ChapStick - lip balm
Vaseline - petroleum jelly
Windex - glass cleaner
Aspirin - I didn't know this was a brand name but it was. Probably the most common one. The folks at Bayer came up with the name Aspirin, it comes from the 'A" in acetyl chloride, the "spir" in spiraea ulmaria (the plant they derived the salicylic acid from) and the 'in' was a then familiar name ending for medicines.

The list goes on and on: Scotch tape, Jello, Q-Tips, Clorox, Frisbee, Boomerang, Thermos...

Friday Fact

Okay so I'm out of trivia right now and don't have time to research but I do have an interesting tidbit of information that I thought you might enjoy.

Did you know that I (and, of course, my children) are distantly related to Lucille Ball? Yes, it's true. My grandmother's side of the family is related to her.

I thought this was interesting especially in light of the fact that I Love Lucy so much.

Actually, if you think about it, we're all distantly related. Remember Adam and Eve?

Have a great weekend!!

A New Beginning

Well, today was our first Sunday in our new sanctuary and I must say it was incredible!! I was in a "wow" mode most of the service; everything just went so smoothly, the sound system sounded great, the room was a comfortable temperature, we had a great number of people there, Pastor Mel's sermon was incredible and worship was awesome. If there were any hitches or glitches I sure didn't know about it!! I guess my favorite thing about the new church is our "plaza" area or foyer. It is large and wraps around the whole back of the church and we also have a cafe area and today before and after service there were people milling about everywhere just enjoying fellowship. I just love to see people taking time with each other. I think it's one of the things that is missing in many churches. People really do want to connect and want to feel a part of something. I pray God will use our new facility to help us be able to reach out and touch people. That's what Jesus did, He took time with people and I believe that's what we have to do, more than ever, in this day and age we live in.

Friday Fact - Time Square Ball Drop

So, how many of you watched the New Years Eve ball drop in Times Square this year? I found some interesting facts about this very American tradition:

Did you know???

The actual notion of a ball "dropping" to signal the passage of time dates back long before New Year's Eve was ever celebrated in Times Square? The first "time-ball" was installed atop England's Royal Observatory at Greenwich in 1833. This ball would drop at one o'clock every afternoon, allowing the captains of nearby ships to precisely set their chronometers (a vital navigational instrument).

In 1845, at the request of the secretary of the United States Navy, the Naval observatory installed a ball on top of the telescope dome on Observatory Hill. The ball was dropped every day precisely at noon. Before Washington, D.C., was heavily developed, viewing the ball drop allowed residents in the area and people aboard ships in the Potomac River to set their timepieces.

In 1907 (that's 100 years ago!!) the New Year's Eve Ball made its maiden descent from the flagpole atop One Times Square. This original Ball, constructed of iron and wood and adorned with 100 25-watt light bulbs, was 5 feet in diameter and weighed 700 pounds. In 1920, a 400 pound ball made entirely of iron replaced the original.

The Ball has been lowered every year since 1907, with the exceptions of 1942 and 1943, when its use was suspended due to the wartime restrictions of lights in New York City. The crowds who still gathered in Times Square in those years greeted the New Year with a moment of silence followed by chimes ringing out from One Times Square.

From 1981 to 1988 the ball was replaced with red light bulbs and a green stem due to the "I Love New York" campaign.

In 1995 the ball becomes computerized, aluminum coated, adorned with rhinestones and has a strobe lighting system.

And the newest ball that has been used since 2000 gets totally updated with new technology and Waterford Crystal. It weighs a little over 1,000 lbs., measures six feet in diameter and has all sorts of special effects lighting, each year following a different theme.

How many of you can remember when Guy Lombardo hosted the ball drop on CBS? I know I'm dating myself but I remember it well. I never was one for staying up late but I remember my parents and older siblings would stay up and watch the ball drop.

Just seems to be the way to spend New Years Eve, doesn't it?

Lucy Poll

Okay, so here's a poll for you (I hope you'll vote by using the comment section):

Of all of the products represented in various I Love Lucy episodes, which one would you likely use today?

1. Vitameatavegamin (23% alcohol)

2. Handy Dandy Vacuum Cleaner

3. Two sides of beef from Johnson's Meat Co. (one side is about 300 lb.)

4. Aunt Martha's Old Fashioned Salad Dressing

I'm going to have to vote for the salad dressing. What about you?

Wordless Wednesday - A Snap of Our Children